The Only

It's been a long time since I've posted...and it's been almost two months since my dad died. It's so hard to type those words...they seem surreal. I still wake up some mornings and think it's all a dream, but then I realize it's not. That it is so real. I won't talk to my dad again. Ever.
I thought it was hard losing my grandfather, I loved him dearly. But that was nothing compared to losing my dad. I haven't truly grieved, and I know that. I think as adults, we get busy in daily life and sometimes in order to function, we force our grieving or pretend it isn't there. Sometimes it just feels easier. Dealing with emotions of grief feels downright crippling and suffocating. I was back to work 2 days after they buried my dad, I dove into work. Diving...Running...Escaping. When I'm not working I am taking care of our three kids, explaining to them that their emotions are normal. All the while not letting my own emotions flow. My youngest asked me the other day, "Why does it seem everyone has forgotten I lost my pap-pap? Time is moving too fast." My heart broke, I understood exactly what she was talking about. Life is supposed to go on. And sometimes it moves on too fast. People forget, people get busy with their own lives. It happens. My oldest finds solace in helping. Trying to help me, trying to help my widowed mom. But it's too much for a 14 year old. Another thing I worry about...how is this affecting him? Has he truly grieved, or has he dived into helping like me?  My 12 year old is the sensitive one. He shows emotion. Usually. But not this time...why?
My dad was 69, passed away from an almost two year fight with Colon cancer that spread to his liver.
I'm an only child. There's no one to talk to about my memories of my dad. I can talk to my mom, but she doesn't have the same memories. She has the memories of a spouse, a high school sweetheart. Not a parent. Most days I feel like I'm floating in space somewhere. I know I'm not alone in life, I have a loving husband and three wonderful kids. But I feel alone. I feel alone in trying to grieve. In trying to keep my mom going. In trying to keep my family going.
My dad fought a good fight. And he made me promise him that I would take care of my mom. He knew she would be lost. They've been together since high school. I wish I had a brother or sister to call to say, "I need a break and just can't deal right now, can you?" And they would say, "Sure, you've done the past two days, let me do the next two." Hahaha...that's a perfect world, right? I'm sure not all siblings react that way. But it sure would be nice to recall memories with someone who went through them with me. But there's no one. So I dive into work, cleaning, being a mom, being a support for my grieving mom. What will it be like to fully grieve? I have my moments where I cry, but then I push it away for another day.  Maybe tomorrow.