Nightmares

Last night after I got the kids to bed, I headed downstairs to relax and read a little of my book, "The Devil in Pew Number Seven" (it's a great book, so far). It's about a preacher and his wife and their family. They move to a small town in North Carolina and the congregation loves them except for one person, Mr. Watts, whom always sits in pew number seven. He terrorizes them, threatens them and tries his hardest to drive them out of town. Anyway, it's a pretty intense book and I didn't realize it was making such an impact on my life....
I read a few chapters and decided I just couldn't read anymore. I know it's time to lay down the book when my body becomes so tense I have to remind myself to relax. So I drifted off to dreamland on the couch downstairs in front of the wood stove. It was so warm and I was so comfortable. I fell into the deepest sleep I have had in a long time. I started dreaming...I dreamt the family was in Disney World (these are my most favorite dreams) We were having a blast and then for some unknown reason, I let the kids go off on their own....they all wanted to ride different rides and do different things so I figured what the heck, it's Disney World, they'll be safe, right? I took notice to the clothes they were all wearing...Kemp had on a bright orange shirt and he headed for some Dumbo looking ride, Joey had on a yellow and green tie-dye shirt and headed towards a spinning ride of some sort and little Emma has on a black dress and she headed for Cinderella's castle. I kept an eye on them for some time until they were all to far apart to watch. JD and I headed for the Tower of Terror. When we returned to the Magic Kingdom, we found the orange shirt of Kemp right away and over there, there was little Emma running around with Cinderella, but where was Joey's tie-dye shirt. I looked everywhere, it was no where to be seen. I tried not to worry, he had to be fine. Then nighttime rolled around, still no sign of Joey's shirt. We headed to the hotel...some how we were magically transported (this happens in dreams). Joey wasn't there either. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach....
I was still searching for Joey when I heard, "MOMMY.....mommy......MOMMY!" I awoke with such a start I thought I was going to have a heart attack! It was Kemp, "Mommy, my legs hurt so bad, I don't know what to do." I got up and helped him back to bed and headed back downstairs to the warmness of the wood stove....

I absolutely HATE having dreams where my kids are hurt or lost. I'm sure if you are a parent, you've had these dreams...they are the WORST! You continue to have a terrible feeling in your stomach the whole next day.  I gave extra hugs today...kids are such a blessing! Even though some days I complain and some days the last thing I want to do is look at one more drawing of an Angry Bird, I have been so blessed with 3 beautiful, caring children.

I had a miscarriage before Kemp. It was the most devastating feeling I've ever experienced. JD and I had been trying to get pregnant for a little over a year or two ( I don't remember the specifics) Finally we found out I was pregnant. We were so happy! We took my parents out to Hoss's to tell them. They were ecstatic! We were all so happy.

At my next doctors appointment we would get to hear the heartbeat, a moment we had been waiting weeks for. Everything was going great! We were coming up with names, deciding how to decorate the nursery, just having fun getting ready for baby.

I will never forget that doctors appointment. JD and I headed back to the examining room, hand and hand, giddy with excitement to hear the heartbeat for the first time. The exam went great, all things were looking "just right" Now it was time to get the heartbeat hearing machine out...The nurse went over and over my stomach trying to find the heartbeat...there was no sound...it was the worst silence I have ever heard. She looked at us, she could see the worry on our faces, "Don't worry, maybe we are just off on the date, maybe we can't hear the heartbeat yet, let me go get another nurse and we'll get the ultrasound machine so we can see the heartbeat." She headed out of the room, JD and I sat in silence...waiting. When the 2 nurses came back in, they were rolling an ultrasound machine with them. The gelled up my belly and started searching for the little flicker of the heartbeat....they searched for so long...it seemed like an eternity. They looked at each other and in silence left the room. JD and I didn't know what to do. The doctor came in a few minutes later... "We are going to send you down to the high-tech ultra sound room (I forget what he called it) But it was a mega-ultrasound machine...one that could see little little flickers. We headed downstairs and waited. Waiting, waiting, waiting. I don't think JD and I talked at all, we just started off into the distance and held hands. I knew it was bad news...I could feel it in my heart. I started crying. People were staring. I still cried.

The doctor called us back and performed the examination. He left the room. He came back in about 20 minutes later. No smile, no good news.

"Mr. & Mrs. Dyson, we CAN NOT find your baby's heartbeat."

I had had a miscarriage.

I couldn't think of a thing to say other then, "OK"

I just wanted to leave. I didn't want the doctors staring at me, I didn't want them see me crying. I held it in. JD and I walked in silence to the car, hand-in-hand. I stared straight ahead. I had to be strong. I stared at the farmland rolling by as we drove home. I didn't dare look at JD...I could hear the heavy breathing and the sniffling beside me.

He called my mom, he took care of telling everyone. I headed to the living room and started cleaning. I needed to be alone. My mom came over to our house. She tried to comfort me. How can you be comforted during this time?

Life went on, but I will never forget the little baby that had a February 5th due date.

TODAY, I have three beautiful, healthy children to love, and I couldn't be happier. Love your kids! Love your life! LIFE IS GOOD!