The week before my dad's diagnosis, he was fine; mowing the lawn, working everyday at his business, playing with the grandkids, day trips with my mom.
The journey began last October. Anticipatory grief they call it. It's a blessing and a curse. It gives us time to do and say and experience things we want to. But with this comes the thoughts of: This is the last Christmas, the last birthday, the last Easter with my dad. Will he make it to Father's Day?
I never loved him the way I do now, never fully appreciated him, never needed him as much as I do now. It infuriates me that I wasn't able to feel all that until now. It infuriates me that he had to get sick for me to realize everything he's done for my mom and me.
I'm overwhelmed. So many stories to talk about but so little energy to speak them. Maybe if I cling to the good, I'll forget all the bad?
I see the discomfort, the frustration, and his incredible ability to get up and try again. I feel guilty for going to my own home because I need to, instead of staying and helping my mom and dad. They tell me they are fine. They are still protecting me.
I cannot imagine what it must feel like when you have to let go of life itself, knowing that people you love will have to live on.
Even when you know death is coming, it surprises you, and nothing will really prepare me for the day it happens. I'm sure I will have regrets of not telling him what I really wanted to say, not asking questions I really wanted to ask, and not saying goodbye while he is still here. These things, although we know are coming, are not appropriate to do when he is still full of life. Death will not wait for all the profound words that need said.
I hate even writing about it, because that somehow makes it all real. I'm really good at ignoring stuff and diving into work and home life and forgetting all that is going on around me. But some days it hits me so hard.
This is one time that being an only child truly sucks. I can't call my siblings and talk about memories of childhood. Blah...I'm having a rough day.
